FUNNY JOKES

Posts

Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights

Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights. 😀 With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed with his wife. He lies down and instantly passes out. Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: “Don’t go, this moron is so drunk he won’t even feel me plucking a hair on his bum.” The wife does exactly that and the husband doesn’t move. Carl, now reassured, proceeds with the job. Half an hour later Ted moves a bit, and Carl is just about to freak out, the wife stops him and plucks another hair from his bum. Another hour later Carl is still going at it. After a while, just to be sure, he plucks another hair from Ted’s bum. 😀 Ted then moves around a bit and mumbles: “Look man, I don’t mind you lovemaking my wife, but do you really need to keep score on my bum?”

A recently married couple are in bed

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with After the question, the woman doesn’t respond. The man a sks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?” 😀 His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the roof. The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other.” Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.” Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the roof, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, 😀 “Damn it! You made me lose count.”

A guy goes to the psychiatrist.

A guy goes to the psychiatrist. “Doctor,” says the guy, “I feel as if I’m two different people! Two totally different personalities!” 😀 “Do you think I need help?” “Can you help me?” “Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?” “Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!” says the doc. 😀 “Please, one at a time.”

A Chinese man boarded a flight to Chicago and promptly sat down on the first seat he encountered.

A Chinese man boarded a flight to Chicago and promptly sat down on the first seat he encountered. 😀 He was soon told that seat was reserved for flight attendants. With his limited English he did not fully understand what he was told but hand signals soon got him to move a little further back. Soon there was another person persuading him to move out of first class. Again he moved further back. There was yet another discussion and he took no further chances and went to the very last seat in the tourist section. 😀 Some time later a flight attendant asked him if he was ‘for coffee’? Furious he replied, “You for coffee, I stay ah he.”

A Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

A Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. 😀 He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said. My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?” The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.” 😀 The father takes a slow swig of his Jame-son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had Graeme circumcised.”

Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.

Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage. 😀 One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!” The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?” The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh. 😀 The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!” The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?” The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy.” The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.” The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?” 😀 The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool.