FUNNY JOKES

  A man travels on a ship. 😀 Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it’s so unknown that no ship ever comes near it. 10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come. As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit. She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes. She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. 😀 The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him. “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man. “It’s been 10 years,” he replies....

 Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights. 😀 With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed with his wife. He lies down and instantly passes out. Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: “Don’t go, this moron is so drunk he won’t even feel me plucking a hair on his bum.” The wife does exactly that and the husband doesn’t move. Carl, now reassured, proceeds with the job. Half an hour later Ted moves a bit, and Carl is just about to freak out, the wife stops him and plucks another hair from his bum. Another hour later Carl is still going at it. After a while, just to be sure, he plucks another hair from Ted’s bum. 😀 Ted then moves around a bit and mumbles: “Look man, I don’t mind you lovemaking my wife, but do you really need to keep score on my bum?” 

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with After the question, the woman doesn’t respond. The man a sks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?” 😀 His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the roof. The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other.” Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.” Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the roof, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, 😀 “Damn it! You made me lose count.”

A guy goes to the psychiatrist. “Doctor,” says the guy, “I feel as if I’m two different people! Two totally different personalities!” 😀 “Do you think I need help?” “Can you help me?” “Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?” “Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!” says the doc. 😀 “Please, one at a time.” 

A Chinese man boarded a flight to Chicago and promptly sat down on the first seat he encountered. 😀 He was soon told that seat was reserved for flight attendants. With his limited English he did not fully understand what he was told but hand signals soon got him to move a little further back. Soon there was another person persuading him to move out of first class. Again he moved further back. There was yet another discussion and he took no further chances and went to the very last seat in the tourist section. 😀 Some time later a flight attendant asked him if he was ‘for coffee’? Furious he replied, “You for coffee, I stay ah he.” 

 A Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. 😀 He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said. My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?” The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.” 😀 The father takes a slow swig of his Jame-son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had Graeme circumcised.”

Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage. 😀 One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!” The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?” The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh. 😀 The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!” The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?” The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy.” The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.” The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?” 😀 The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool. 

  A blonde walks into a doctor's office 😀 One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what had happened. She says, “well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone. 😀 “Well that explains one ear, but what about the other.” “The b**st**rd called again”

  A rookie police officer was assigned 😀 A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, ‘Let’s get off the corner.’ No-one moved, so he resorted to the loudspeaker. 😀 ‘Let’s get off the corner!’ it boomed. Still, no-one seemed to take any notice. ‘Alright folks, if you don’t move after I count to three, I’m breaking out my baton!’ the rookie cried. Intimidated, the group of people began to leave in a hurry, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, ‘Well, how did I do?’ 😀 ‘Pretty good,’ replied the veteran, ‘especially since this is a bus stop.’

 She told her mother One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.” 😀 “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. “Because he also told me he is an atheist. 😀 Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Devil.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway, between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”

  Mike said to Charlie the bartender 😀 Mike said to Charlie the bartender. “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the my wife.” “Oh yeah?” said Charlie “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.” 😀 “Really,” said Charles, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?” “She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’”

Dan married a woman with an identical twin   Dan married a woman with an identical twin. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. 😀 “Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the judge. “Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife looked exactly alike, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake,” said Dan. “Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said. “You’d better believe there is a difference, your Honor. 😀 That’s why I want the divorce.”

  A wife comes home late one night A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. 😀 She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. 😀 As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

A hotel guest calls the front desk   A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir? The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. 😀 I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.” The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.” 😀 The man replies, “Listen, you idiot. The window won’t open.. and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.”

A male patient is lying in bed       A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 😀 ‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my privates black? ‘Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet. ‘He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my privates black?’ 😀 Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his privates, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his privates in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’ The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: ‘Thank you very much. 😀 That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely…… ‘Are my test results back?”

A man walked out into the street   A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. “Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.” 😀 “Who?” asked the man. “Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time.” “Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” 😀 “Not Bill,” said the cabby. “He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.” “Bill was really something, huh?” “Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby. “Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything. “Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.” “No wonder you remember him...

My boss phoned me today 😀 My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything okay at the office?” I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day; I haven’t stopped.” “Can you do me a favor?” he asked. 😀 I said, “Of course, what is it?” He said, “Hurry up and take your shot; I’m in the foursome behind you.” 

A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip – three pennies. 😀 As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, “You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.” The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. “Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?” “Well, this penny tells me you’re a thrifty man.” 😀 Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, “Hmm, true enough.” “And this penny, it tells me you’re a bachelor.” Surprised at her perception, he says, “Well, that’s true, too.” 😀 “And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.” 

  A man walked out into the street A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. “Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.” 😀 “Who?” asked the man. “Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time.” “Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” “Not Bill,” said the cabby. 😀 “He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.” “Bill was really something, huh?” “Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby. “Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything. “Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.” “No wonder you remember him...

A husband suspected his wife 😀 A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, “I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his weapon.” Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?” The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.” 😀 The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?” The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”